I've wrestled with this question for over a year as I carried wounds from my past given to me by unsuspecting people in my life. Granted, these were not mighty wounds; a water drop in the sea of pain more like, but wounds all the same. For the sake of transparency, and since this story is redemptive in the end, I'll share specifics:
The summer before my junior year at Mississippi College, I interned at a church plant in St. Louis, MO. One of the pastors invited me to live with him and his family for the summer rent-free for the whole summer. They fed me, they included me in everything they did, and the pastor (I'm not going to say his name, but it's David) poured into me constantly. I learned more in 3 months about discipleship, community, the power of the Gospel, and missions than I had probably learned in my entire life, and all because David saw immeasurable value in biblical discipleship. I was radically changed that summer, and I still remember vivid pictures of God revealing His overwhelming Love to me in tangible ways.
Then, after my summer as an intern, my life moved pretty fast. In July I got engaged, in August I got married, in September we moved to Spain, in October we found out we were pregnant, in November we traveled to 13 cities in 9 European countries, in December I started working back in America to provide for my new wife, and in January I started my senior year of college. Needless to say, things looked different.
So then good news and bad news. The good news was that whilst finishing school, the church in St. Louis called me to offer me a full time job which I was to start immediately after graduation. The bad news was that it sucked. (Keep reading! Remember, it's redemptive!)
Now, as you can probably guess, I was not aware of the fact that it would suck whenever I excitedly told Allie that we would be moving to St. Louis and working for the best church we'd ever experienced. I was not aware of the fact that it would suck when we left both of our families in Mississippi and re-located our entire lives 8 hours north on Interstate 55. I was not aware... but God was.
Now, I really should explain what I mean... My job sucked, but St. Louis was awesome. The people in our church were some of the most loving and caring examples of God's tenderness and kindness we had ever experienced. We loved that city passionately, and we knew discovered what Jeremiah meant when he talked about finding his own welfare in the welfare of the city. I vividly remember Chuck from our urban garden inviting me into his home for the first time and giving me a 4ft tall marijuana plant to destroy because he knew that he couldn't turn to pot to control his anger and that only Jesus redeems us from our raging flesh. I distinctly remember the homeless man that walked up to our pop-up show on the corner of Locust and 11th and wanted to play Wagon Wheel with us on his harmonica which lead him to tears of joy as he performed. I'll never be able to forget shouting (literally shouting), in font of the arch, the gospel of Jesus' unimaginable love through a microphone to the people who stopped to listen as we all wept in awe of our Creator. As well as countless other memories that stick out in my mind like a cold glass of water in the Sahara.
Really the only part that sucked was my job and my relationship with David. But it was enough. I didn't know what was different but I knew that it was. How could the same tasks, relationships, and place as two summers before be so drastically different? I concluded that it was my fault and that I should probably just get over it.... but I couldn't.
Unfortunately, the redemptive ending I keep mentioning did not take place as I drove away from St. Louis into my new life in Indiana... life's not always a neatly wrapped package. No, I actually carried open wounds with me as we met new friends, attended a new church, found a new job, and thanked Jesus for rescuing us from such a painful environment. But then, as normal life set it, I started noticing this wounds which were getting awfully infected. I started thinking several times a day about specific memories of pain or things I wish were forgotten. Thoughts of ill-will and even hatred started plaguing my mind as Satan slowly used my foundation of pain to build a house of bitterness. Then it was from within this house of bitterness that I asked:
"How on earth can I forgive someone who's very memory brings me pain?"
Then I started thinking about other people's pain and it made mine look like the aforementioned water drop into an ocean of suffering. Some of my best friends in the world are currently on a nation-wide tour screening a documentary about the evil of sex slavery and how it's origin takes root in our own hearts. Allie, Viva, and I were able to join them for the first 2 weeks of their tour and as I thought about the thousands of precious girls who had been repeatedly raped by men enslaved to their evil desires and the unfathomable weight of pain each of them carried, I was faced with the reality that if I can't forgive David, these girls would never be able to forgive their perpetrators. But then, Jesus reminded me that He can.
So, with all these thoughts in my head, in the middle of my house of bitterness, Jesus did what He always does: He whispered something that changed my entire life. I was sitting in church as a guy from England talked about forgiveness when I asked Jesus what He had for me. He told me to do two things: Go to St. Louis and meet with David, then tell him that I forgave him. A pretty simple task except for the fact that I hadn't forgiven him, but Jesus told me to, so I did.
A week later I sat on David's porch with him and his wife as we hung out and talked much like we had 3 years before. Time was getting away so I changed the subject, looked him in the eye, and told him that I forgave him... then something happened that made me instantly weep (even as i type this!):
i actually did.
Jesus heals. He redeems. And He loves us so much that He will do anything to tear down our houses of bitterness to hold us in His bear hug. He gave me forgiveness unlike anything I ever saw possible and a years worth of bitterness and hatred growing it's putrid mold inside my heart was no match for the crazy love of my Dad who sought complete freedom for me. Now, all those thoughts that used to haunt me daily are completely shadowed by the beautiful picture of David, with tears in his eyes, looking at me in total humility as he asked forgiveness for every wound I had held on to. All I did, was respond to the voice of Jesus, and He gave me things that continue to overwhelm me.
He loves us so much.
-Trey
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